Things I HATE (and my "WHY")

I was given a little writing assignment a week ago that I haven't done yet, but it's been on my mind. The idea was to write 3 things about my life that I "hate" and through that to pinpoint my "why".

Most of us probably shy away from using the word "hate".  If your mom was like mine, you grew up hearing things like, "Hate is a strong word. We don't *hate* anyone or anything." I understand why we teach our children not to hate, but I'm going to let myself go there for this assignment because I think it's important to really dig deep. Let's be honest: if losing weight and maintaining a healthy weight were as simple as "calories in/calories out", there would be no obese people.  For most of us, though, there are much bigger issues-- emotional or physical or medical or worse-- that have gotten us here and kept us here. If the only thing we tackle is food and exercise, we will most likely end up where we started or worse. Statistics and science and personal experience tell me this is the truth, so.

Three things I HATE about my life:

1.  I HATE that my mother died when she was just 59 years old and it happened so quickly that I barely had a chance to say goodbye.

It will be 2 years on March 8th, and I still don't feel like I have entirely processed or accepted or grieved her death. She had pancreatic cancer that spread through her body to other organs like a wildfire, and by the time we figured out what was happening, she had just days to live. I was 6 weeks postpartum with my youngest, and I high-tailed it by myself from Tennessee to Nova Scotia to say goodbye. By the time I got there, she was heavily sedated and never opened her eyes again. I don't know if she could hear all the things I said, but I hope she could. The nurses said she could. My beautiful mother didn't have a healthy lifestyle. Pancreatic cancer has genetic links, but it's also linked to obesity, smoking, and alcohol. My grandfather (mom's dad) also died of what we *think* was pancreatic cancer, but we don't know for certain. We will probably never know how much of her disease was linked to genetics and how much was related to her lifestyle choices, but nothing brings you face-to-face with your mortality faster than your own mother's untimely death.

2. I HATE that I lost 90 lbs, kept it off (more-or-less) for 6 or 7 years and then gained back over 100.

I have so many self-hating feelings about this. It used to be my literal nightmare. I would have actual nightmares that I would wake up one morning and be back in my old body. I convinced myself that would not and could not happen.  I was *fit*.  I was *different*. I was *cured*! Do you know when I started on the destructive path of regaining all of the weight? When we started trying to get pregnant with our oldest. Do you know why? Emotions. I HATE that I let my emotions get the best of me and I let myself spiral into destructive old habits and I let myself get comfortable with it for SEVEN years.

3. I HATE how my weight affects my confidence and that influences how people treat me. 

Cute family photo, right? I've purposely placed myself so most of my body can not be seen.

This affects me at home, at work, with friends, and in social settings. I gained confidence when I lost weight, and I've lost confidence since I've gained it back. It affects how I dress, how I socialize, and how I behave in a professional setting. It affects how other people look at me, treat me, and how they value me. This is not perceived-- this is very, very real. I watched it happen both when I was losing weight and when I was gaining it. It is INFURIATING that while fat, I am somehow invisible to people in public, but it's also infuriating that when I lose weight, they can suddenly see me again.

I'm going to add in a few "dislikes" that don't feel like they directly affect my overall health on a daily basis but still exist:

1. I dislike that we're still paying off a boatload of credit card debt from a more difficult financial time in our lives and we have no real savings to speak of.

2. I dislike that I live so far away from my family in Nova Scotia and that my girls don't have the bond with my side of the family that I wish they had.

3. I dislike that I've moved into a position at work that has less job-security. There is a real possibility that my position will go away after this year (depending upon funding and other factors). I know I will have a teaching job in the school district, but if this job goes away, I will have some uncertainty that looms and some big decisions to make about "what's next".

Wow. I feel like I need to balance this out with a long list of all the things I LOVE about my life because I do LOVE my life, but I know that wasn't the point of this assignment, so I will save that list for another day.

I guess this brings me around to my why. There is no question that my "WHY" is my girls.

On my lap looking up at me and trying to see who can love me more and give me more kisses. How lucky am I??

However, working through this list definitely helps me clarify what that means. It means I want to live my best life so I can be present for them as long as possible.  It means I want to be a role model for them so that they will see what it looks like to carry oneself with confidence. It means I want them to always know their value and self-worth no matter what obstacles they may face. It means I hope it will be easier for them to make healthy choices because it will be what they know first and foremost.

I feel like those intangible things would be some of the best gifts I could possibly give to them-- and myself.